Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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