Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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