So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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