I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
