pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
