people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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