Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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