Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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