he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
