the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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