if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
