the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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