I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize