You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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