You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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