nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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