Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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