I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
