You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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