My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
