....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
