Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
