Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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