Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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