I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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