I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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