I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
