this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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