State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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