he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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