I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
