I just pynch a tree in the face
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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