history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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