i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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