they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
