I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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