SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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