Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
