I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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