smell my finger.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
