I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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