the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
