I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
