Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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