I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
