she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
