The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize