Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
