new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
