highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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