You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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