so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
