Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
