I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
