i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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