Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
