the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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