i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
