were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
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