'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
