There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i love accidental penises.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize